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Jasmine
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Friday, October 28, 2005
LEAVE - 50% (i've got things to stay for) thanks. thanks. thanks. thanks!!!!!!! thanks for everything. =D =D =D you sure do make a difference. see you tomorrow. its now lower. i've got things to stay for. but its still a possibility. got suspended. and a teacher told me 'i don't know whether to trust you anymore' maybe that says quite enough. but now... i think its best to keep things this way. loves to all. Thursday, October 27, 2005
LEAVE - 65% (i can't draw for nuts) okay. i'm writing another long entry. and i don't quite know why. maybe its because i want to hide the previous one from you. i want to delete it but yet i want you to read it. so i hope this long long long one will like just push it down into the depths of hell and you'll never see it. HAIYA. don't know lah. i really don't know. things are getting better i guess? i don't feel hurt or sad. i don't know why but yah. thats what i'm feeling now. but if i speak to you, who knows, things might get worse, or they might just get better. read what you said about hurting others. don't think so much. you'll never decide on anything. just choose and live by it. dragging it on will only hurt you. maybe them as well. but yah. hurting is part of life. through hurt will one then know what happiness is. i want to tell you so much about the others. i want to say so much. but i guess what they tell me is true. who am i to speak of them? in your eyes i might just be an ass thats trying to 'wipe out' competition. but i hope you know its not true. i really want to tell you things before things get too late and ugly. but how to?! you rather believe him than me or him. so what can i say to change things?! i really don't know. sometimes i get super annoyed at the way girls think and all. why don't you all see it?! all the guys see it, but you all don't and it just gets so saddening. you know what? i'm not sad about everything. i'm just sad when i think the other one could be E. its just that. yah. i don't want to say anything unless you ask me. but yah. whatever. i really like B and i told you right? go for it. hes a great guy. and i really think he and you will just make it. i don't know what else to say. i'm in no position to say anything. i added MAN to BATS to form BATMAN and now, i'm part of it. its so stupid and retarded lah. i think if i had chosen to be a ball-less guy and just keep mum about how i feel, all will be fine lah. but i had to be HONEST. and now, look where it has landed everything up?! sometimes i wish i didn't say anything. but its too late to regret anything right? yah... i want to see you. i want to talk to you. and by the way. all the disney movies have been downloaded (except mulan lah. don't know why.) i want to watch them, but i so wish that you'll be by my side when i watch them. and thus, i don't want to watch them now. just a little hope that things may get bettter and then we'll watch them TOGETHER. but yah. with hope/expectations come pain/suffering. but whats life without pain right? like that then no fun already. really don't know if i should go for GM tomorrow. things will be so shitty. having to see you and then want to see you but not daring to see you in the eye and all. fucked... thats all i can say man. happy yet so scared. rubbish. okay. apart from all that, i spoke to many people today. and everyone who has heard what i want to do from now thinks i'm NUTS. but yah. can you blame me?! not as if its the first day you've met me. i'm so damn retarded and mad. i really don't know if what i'm going to do is going to screw up my life or just make it better. this choice can either MAKE or BREAK my whole life. i need to talk to more people. i need support from people. i need them to support me in whatever i choose. sometimes, your blessings would be enough. but i really don't know. i really don't i'm like stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. yup. the deep blue sea being my hopes and dreams, and the devil my present life. nothings going fine. why does everything have to fuck up at the same time?! promos were fine. CCDD. promoted. but is this the life? is this what i want?! what do i want?! fuck. i really don't know. and yes life does suck. the future is really in my own hands now. but i don't know whats going to happen. be optimistic. be happy. what bullshit. nights and see you. Wednesday, October 26, 2005
LEAVE - 70% i guess this will be the first non-poem entry. but i hope it'll be the last. i have no idea why i'm not writing poems anymore. and whats most puzzling is that i've not written one about you. kind of weird. you being the DREAM girl and all should get one right? but yah. WEIRD. maybe thats why you're the dream girl. everythings so different and all. i wanted to say hi to you just now. but its like so hard. a barrier has suddenly emerged. so high so hard. so fucked. how i wish i had a bomb to throw at it and then *BOOM!* it'll just be gone. and everything will be like before. but yah. i guess things will never be the same. things are never the same after things happen. hmm. i guess we just like each other's company? don't you think that things are always so happy and 'perfect' when we are just lazing around, doing nothing, and just slacking? the need for us to not say anything and just be with each other. so amazing yet so eerie. the perfection then *POOFS!* when we are apart. we start to question ourselves, is what we are doing correct? are we going to hurt either one of us in the long run? living just for this moment? what to do? then reality sets in. remember the part about the OC? i said its the reality in the unrealstic setting? i guess we can consider this as somewhat the reality setting in in the unrealistic world of happinesss. you're perfection in my eyes. utter perfection. and its so cool to actually know such a girl exists. but then again, god likes to play with people. he always gives you something you can never have. just to tempt you. like the garden of eden, the stupid apple. i guess you're the apple and yah. things just get fucked when you try to STEAL the apple from GOD. maybe i should just plant my OWN SEEDS in my GARDEN right? ha. theres so much i need to say. but i really don't know how to say it or where to start (the letter on the physics notes, sorry it was so messy). so much info so much emtions. so much that both the heart and brain are on the verge of going *BOOM!POOF!PUFF!* at times i feel as though i'm going to cry but then, no tears come out. why? i guess its because of the fact that *because i like you, i won't like you* but am i really that nobel? am i really ready to see my dream girl just walk away? but so what if i'm not able to say bye, you'll eventually walk away. you say we'll be friends. but its really crap right? its never the same after you know something about that person. espicially since its such a big thing that concerns you too. but yah. what can i do? i really think that its best you know everything. they think that i'm nuts to have told you and maybe i am. like you said, you're weird-ness/crazy-ness is infectious. but i don't know whether to regret or not. to say sorry after i told you was stupid. liking you and being sorry for liking you. and liking you so much to say that i'll stop liking you?! at times i question myself, do i really like you for what you are? or do i like you because you're my dream girl that i've always dreamed of? i guess the final answer for the ONE MILLION dollar question is: its a combination of both the dream girl part and what you really are. i like you for your stubborn-ness, your i'm independent stand on everything and i'll be a girl when i need to be, but for now i'm going to be not so girly-girl. i want you to be happy, i don't want to affect your happiness. i don't want to affect your life. i don't want you to believe that BATMAN is true. i still want to be your GUCCI (GAY =D) but i guess you'll never believe me again. i'm sorry that i had to further confirm that BATMAN is true. and i know i'm trouble. but yah. i can't not be trouble can i? be gay and like you from afar? i really want to say some stuff to you. something that maybe really major in my life is going to happen. and i want to talk to you about it. but i really don't know how to say hi anymore. i feel so comfortable with you. but when there are people around, i just close up. i just pretend to be occupied with whatever, be it the people around me or my phone or my ipod or whatever rubbish. but deep down, my eyes and heart are on you when ever you are near. i just don't dare let it show through this facade that i put up. i don't know why. its like i like you but i don't dare to like you? hais. things are just crappy. lifes just crappy. i don't know what to think of, i don't know how to start thinking about things. i don't know what you've got to think about now. i just wish i could send you an sms via our brains. or like we could just log on to each other now. and start talking without us having to start talking. we need to talk, but talk about what? how to start? will the perfect world that i crave for just come back and stop me from talking about everything? or am i going to have enough balls to confront all the shit that i face? run or hide? talk or keep mum? i really don't know. what good will this 'talk' bring about? how will it change things? will it even change things? or will things just get more screwed up? i really don't know. and the thought that things might just get worse than they are now really tells me to just run and live life the way it is now, not here not there. it sucks, but yah. its a lot better than not having you at all. but i guess you need a closure right? and thus we need a talk. but what kind of closure? end the friendship kind? then again, what closure? there was no start. yah. see these kind of stupid questions keep popping up in my head. it just makes everything so damn complicated. i don't want to think but i have to. and i don't even know if i want you to read this. my heart tells me to let you read this, but my mind tells me that this is going to be another suicide whereby the 'honesty and open-ess' i believe in is going to kill me once again. i really don't know if you like this open-ness and frank-ness. but i'm sorry if you don't. i just don't like to keep things from people that i really love and care about. i rather we just trash it out and not let things rot. letting it rot will just screw things up even more. i want to see you. i want to talk to you. i want to squash with you. i want to nuah with you. i just want to be quite beside you. i just want to be in your company. you just make me feel so happy and comfortable. well, dreams are meant to be broken and shattered right? if not they won't be called dreams, they'll just be called rational and attainable expectations. whatever it is, i really hope that we'll talk soon. i don't know if i should go to school anymore. the teachers should know i guess. and i don't like them. and things will turn fucked up. i don't know if running is the way. but yah. i'll just live for the moment and take things as they come. till i next see you or talk to you (if it ever happens), i love you. Saturday, October 01, 2005
de ja vu its scary what i feel this feelings not supposed to be real people ask me about you and him to me its supposed to mean nothing but a sense of fear engulfs my heart maybe my feelings for you didn't really part? i told others i liked you no more they asked why and i told them feelings do die but now i think i can confess that it was fear and pressure and that should explain the rewst we might be poles apart and thus we may never have a start but this feeling again a crush should i just let it pass? i badly want to know whats happening in your life but this can only be done from afar where i stand to queitl follow fear of fetting too close to you fear of it becoming a crush number 2 fear of me getting scared and running like a cowardly cat i don't know what to di i really have no clue i want to tell you things i used to say maybe even i love you some day the box of hearts i folded is still with me your msgs on and off i see they make me laugh and cry for things we spoke about never went awry but now just to say a simple hi and to go on to speak about things more than school becomes so hard and no longer cool this is where i'll end today for tomorrow will be another bright and sunny day where once again i don my mask to see you and return home to find a heart ever so blue its time for me to continue i realize ifs still you you take my breath away how i wish you were always here to stay at least now i know thta you and him are just friends relieved i am but does it matter from where i stand? theres nothing i can say or do to make things the way they used to be cause then i was scared and i did flee i, not a man but just a flea i write these not to move your heart i write these not to pvove my heart there written in woe and pain escape from it i wish to gain but i do wish you'll stop and see these little notes of plea so then you might see me true and know that my heart may be all too true again here i'll end this pine for this lady in my heart she shines and bright as a star she will be forever shining in my dark hopeless sea |
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