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BANG BALLS
FREEDOM OF SPEECH NOTHING SHOULD BE IMPOSED
IDEAS NOT LEECHED ONLY CREATIVELY COMPOSED |
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Jasmine
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
LEAVE - 70% i guess this will be the first non-poem entry. but i hope it'll be the last. i have no idea why i'm not writing poems anymore. and whats most puzzling is that i've not written one about you. kind of weird. you being the DREAM girl and all should get one right? but yah. WEIRD. maybe thats why you're the dream girl. everythings so different and all. i wanted to say hi to you just now. but its like so hard. a barrier has suddenly emerged. so high so hard. so fucked. how i wish i had a bomb to throw at it and then *BOOM!* it'll just be gone. and everything will be like before. but yah. i guess things will never be the same. things are never the same after things happen. hmm. i guess we just like each other's company? don't you think that things are always so happy and 'perfect' when we are just lazing around, doing nothing, and just slacking? the need for us to not say anything and just be with each other. so amazing yet so eerie. the perfection then *POOFS!* when we are apart. we start to question ourselves, is what we are doing correct? are we going to hurt either one of us in the long run? living just for this moment? what to do? then reality sets in. remember the part about the OC? i said its the reality in the unrealstic setting? i guess we can consider this as somewhat the reality setting in in the unrealistic world of happinesss. you're perfection in my eyes. utter perfection. and its so cool to actually know such a girl exists. but then again, god likes to play with people. he always gives you something you can never have. just to tempt you. like the garden of eden, the stupid apple. i guess you're the apple and yah. things just get fucked when you try to STEAL the apple from GOD. maybe i should just plant my OWN SEEDS in my GARDEN right? ha. theres so much i need to say. but i really don't know how to say it or where to start (the letter on the physics notes, sorry it was so messy). so much info so much emtions. so much that both the heart and brain are on the verge of going *BOOM!POOF!PUFF!* at times i feel as though i'm going to cry but then, no tears come out. why? i guess its because of the fact that *because i like you, i won't like you* but am i really that nobel? am i really ready to see my dream girl just walk away? but so what if i'm not able to say bye, you'll eventually walk away. you say we'll be friends. but its really crap right? its never the same after you know something about that person. espicially since its such a big thing that concerns you too. but yah. what can i do? i really think that its best you know everything. they think that i'm nuts to have told you and maybe i am. like you said, you're weird-ness/crazy-ness is infectious. but i don't know whether to regret or not. to say sorry after i told you was stupid. liking you and being sorry for liking you. and liking you so much to say that i'll stop liking you?! at times i question myself, do i really like you for what you are? or do i like you because you're my dream girl that i've always dreamed of? i guess the final answer for the ONE MILLION dollar question is: its a combination of both the dream girl part and what you really are. i like you for your stubborn-ness, your i'm independent stand on everything and i'll be a girl when i need to be, but for now i'm going to be not so girly-girl. i want you to be happy, i don't want to affect your happiness. i don't want to affect your life. i don't want you to believe that BATMAN is true. i still want to be your GUCCI (GAY =D) but i guess you'll never believe me again. i'm sorry that i had to further confirm that BATMAN is true. and i know i'm trouble. but yah. i can't not be trouble can i? be gay and like you from afar? i really want to say some stuff to you. something that maybe really major in my life is going to happen. and i want to talk to you about it. but i really don't know how to say hi anymore. i feel so comfortable with you. but when there are people around, i just close up. i just pretend to be occupied with whatever, be it the people around me or my phone or my ipod or whatever rubbish. but deep down, my eyes and heart are on you when ever you are near. i just don't dare let it show through this facade that i put up. i don't know why. its like i like you but i don't dare to like you? hais. things are just crappy. lifes just crappy. i don't know what to think of, i don't know how to start thinking about things. i don't know what you've got to think about now. i just wish i could send you an sms via our brains. or like we could just log on to each other now. and start talking without us having to start talking. we need to talk, but talk about what? how to start? will the perfect world that i crave for just come back and stop me from talking about everything? or am i going to have enough balls to confront all the shit that i face? run or hide? talk or keep mum? i really don't know. what good will this 'talk' bring about? how will it change things? will it even change things? or will things just get more screwed up? i really don't know. and the thought that things might just get worse than they are now really tells me to just run and live life the way it is now, not here not there. it sucks, but yah. its a lot better than not having you at all. but i guess you need a closure right? and thus we need a talk. but what kind of closure? end the friendship kind? then again, what closure? there was no start. yah. see these kind of stupid questions keep popping up in my head. it just makes everything so damn complicated. i don't want to think but i have to. and i don't even know if i want you to read this. my heart tells me to let you read this, but my mind tells me that this is going to be another suicide whereby the 'honesty and open-ess' i believe in is going to kill me once again. i really don't know if you like this open-ness and frank-ness. but i'm sorry if you don't. i just don't like to keep things from people that i really love and care about. i rather we just trash it out and not let things rot. letting it rot will just screw things up even more. i want to see you. i want to talk to you. i want to squash with you. i want to nuah with you. i just want to be quite beside you. i just want to be in your company. you just make me feel so happy and comfortable. well, dreams are meant to be broken and shattered right? if not they won't be called dreams, they'll just be called rational and attainable expectations. whatever it is, i really hope that we'll talk soon. i don't know if i should go to school anymore. the teachers should know i guess. and i don't like them. and things will turn fucked up. i don't know if running is the way. but yah. i'll just live for the moment and take things as they come. till i next see you or talk to you (if it ever happens), i love you. |
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