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Tuesday, November 29, 2005
tu lan i'm so tu lan. and i don't know what about. AHHH! do you say you're sorry to get out of shit or do you say it because you mean it? i don't know. i mean part of it. yet. i don't want to change. fuck sterotypes and expectations of a person. who are you to tell me what i am to be or how i should behave. i am what i am and i be what i want to be. be it a guai lan tah boh or a guai kia its my choice. so live with it. its selfish. but who gives a shit. don't. if you live life for yourself and only yourself, you'll be really happy, while making others really sad. but if you don't live life for yourself and you live for others (in a way) you just become miserable. i don't think i live for others, but i just get upset. i don't know why. its damn dumb lah. fuckfuckfuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm sad that you're leaving. i don't know why. not that we were that close in school. but yah. i'll just miss you. towkay. HAHA. joke. can you love Dr Jekle and hate Mr Hyde? they are 2 people in one body. 2 souls in union. how then? do you choose to love? or do you choose to hate? love-hate, isn't really an option. love-hate = running way. i don't hate you. i just don't like whats happening. and what you're doing. another thing. i don't like means i don't like. talk for fuck?! i won't give a shit about you and you don't have to give a shit about me. good right? somethings are just meant to be shitty and not nice. so live with it. and what business is it of yours anyway?! not as if i like you also. ha. FUCK ME. honestly, i'm really sinking into the loner world that i've always dreamed of. just enjoying my company. maybe, i'll like yours too. cause when we're together, i still feel alone, yet in the company of someone. hard to describe, so just try imagining. there but not there. =) you know who you are. i hope. i think things are getting too vague. ha. but who cares. if you let what you read here affect you, i think you're fucking stupid. this is just somewhere where i say what i feel. and yes. everyone i refer to is YOU. and you can be just anyone i know. so do not take offence. and if you don't like what you read. then too bad. kindly take your leave and fuck off. good night people. its getting late and i still need to write 3 bloody letters. Monday, November 28, 2005
forever? / COUNTING fuck. fuck blogger. i hope they fucking die. they just fucked my bloody post up. fucking shits. i'm still swearing like fuck. shit. when will i get over you? will i ever get over you? different in different natures similar in different natures different in similar natures similar in similar natures i know what i want. just that i don't want it. i don't know what that means. shit. i wanted to tell you. i've never forgotten you, and never will. fuck. mistake. big mistake again. are somethings really irreversible, or do we just make them irreversible? LOGIC is cool. but i think what the aunty at church said to me is true. don't use logic to think, use your heart. but i think i use too much of my heart. crap. logic works in only one direction. it can't work the other way around. sometimes, i wish i could just use logic when i think of you. things would be easier. and yah. i miss the closeness in our past. you are special to me. forever. COUNTING the measure of time seconds mintues hours days slowing passing till in your coffin you're laid the measure of love kisses hugs cuddles nuzzles passionately given with all your heart the measure of intelligence grades wealth success knowledge are we forgetting the basics - THOUGHT? for what do we measure? for work? for leisure? no, not any, simply just pleasure. if god was really omnipotent and the omnicient narrator of life i wish i would die asap just to meet him. i might want to be a priest. what they know and what they are granted by god is just so fucking cool and great. nights world. good morning god. =) Sunday, November 27, 2005
confession the absolution of sin lied to by evil now, let god in good to you be revealed forgiveness the key god hears your plea father forgive me for i have sinned the 10 commandments i have breeched a spiritual battle awaits as i undergo endless siege the devil's temptations so strong to hear your holy word, how i long father forgive me for i have lied to my parents and foes alike the truth i've hidden from their teary eyes stolen evil entices me to deceive from this hell i want to leave father forgive me for i have cursed the swears i put to your name now i'll be condemned to the flames the profanities sworn at the enemy in my hands hell's destructive key lord please touch me father forgive me for i have doubted your might and glory unmatched my theories all far-fetched your holy word the truth yet in chuch i'm aloof abba redeem my soul, whole the father son and spirit be with you child the almighty lord forgives and forgets start anew with god being life's greatest hue do not fear his wrath for he will show you the path paragraphs how can you not like someone yet be so nice to her? or rather seem so nice to her? funny the way we humans act. never showing their true feelings/emotions. why is it some people fall in love with characteristics whereas others fall in love with looks? its so funny. why is it some just like and not know why they are liking? and why is it some end up liking too many and not know what to actually settle for? does god really exist? to find him you've first got to doubt. but doubting him will just make you a non-believer. another thing. happiness and contentment. how do you explain them? i don't know if i'm happy now. but i'm not sad. i'm just emotionless. fucking shit emotionless. i don't care about stuff now, as much as i really should. i'm going to be stupid too. i'm just going to like someone who i know will never in her entire lifetime feel the same way about me. and don't worry its not you. i promised, friends. =) i'm happy with the fact that we're friends now. and honestly, i know things will be so much better now. lets just see what the future holds for us both. know that i'll forever be there. you like her. yes. fuck i get the point. but stop talking about her! its fucking irritating. yes. good luck. =) i've said what i had to. and i'm sticking with it. and i'm no noble fuckhead. i'm just enlightened by "GOD". now do what you want. i don't give a fuck. and i shouldn't. you have fun. please learn all you need to now. learn before things get too late. and if you know certain things, don't let them continue. it'll just hurt him more next time. takes 2 hands to clap. don't be the other. but... learn you shall my young one. hahahaha. do what you think is right. yes. and you're no fool. I KNOW. just know. that no matter how guy you think you are. you're still a girl. yes. and no matter how gay i think i am i'm still a guy. piano lessons. ha. to you. know that i care and love you! sisterly love. HAHA. don't think too much and stop wrecking your brains for a present for him lah. it'll come naturally (i hope) hahaha. car boy. don't think too much about your results. and thanks for today. thanks for the chance to clear things up. happy working. =) to everyone out there. happy holidays. loves to all (in the form my love should be to you) Saturday, November 26, 2005
platonic relationships. include friendship and kinship more than just these two where it stands you might never have a clue when you harbour feelings emotions of like or disgust the friendship is no longer pure and it may eventually turn to lust how you maintain it to be just friends no more no less requires effort like the clapping of hands to know where the line should be drawn be it faint or distinct feelings as fragile as a young fawn you can no longer rely on your natural instinct the purity of friends the complexity of lovers easy to be confused yet so difficult to define to hold back feelings to not want more than a simple hug when does that change? how to keep it in that simple lane? what you see might just so badly pain but you're just friends, so why complain? you promised not to let emotions be involved this relationship around friends it shall revolve to not like yet to not hide is a mountain to pass do it fast i say what i live by, and i live by what i say. a decision has been made and to it i will stick. Friday, November 25, 2005
STEP YOU'RE HOME! WELCOME BACK! HAHAHAHA. sorry about dinner. wasn't hungry. if not you could have eaten a bit of everything that we each ordered. yah. anyway, rest well. pretty. =) truth. lies. emotions. friends. TRUTH how do you know if someone is telling the truth? how do you know if you're telling the truth? is the truth we believe to be truth always true, or is it just an excuse/reason for us to believe in so that things can be answered in a satifactory manner? and are you allowed to doubt truth told to you? and what if you really doubt the true truth? what then? logically, you were in the wrong. but at the given point in time, circumstances wouldn't have been favourable for you to believe this truth would it? if things were fine, you'll buy it. but, because things weren't then you don't. LIES lies are the opposite of truth. they say telling a half truth is telling a whole lie. but what about white lies? why are they less hurting? lying in itself is already wrong. and yes. you shouldn't lie. and then again. why you lie might not be justify-able reason to me, as it may seem to you. and then, what about lying to people you actually love/care about? can man ever do that? should man ever do that? as much as you may love them, you not saying the truth may just end up hurting them. but they never asked. and they never questioned, so why does the fault lie with you? shouldn't it be their fault because they didn't pay attention to the details? i guess truth and lies work based upon the idea of how a contract actually operates. you never read the small fine print so its only your fault when things screw up. you never want to believe what people claim to be truth to be a lie. its just not fair. but circumstance force you to. accept it to be what pleases you most. EMOTIONS how truthful are you when you're blinded by emotions? emotions are god's greatest gift to mankind besides the ability to think. but emotions cloud your judgement and they screw you over and over and over. you feel in that way, therefore you act in that way (or your actions are towards that way). if only we didn't feel so much and let emotions affect our decision making/actions, things maybe a little less complicated. jealousy is also an emotion. but i guess, if you have enough guts to not give a BEEP about certain things that would actually affect your mood and all, you wouldn't let it blur your judgement. but you never know, emotions screw you OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. love is blind and love blinds. you never know what you say and feel anymore. you betray yourself. you betray your deepest beliefs. you betray everything you once stood for. but. why? isn't love something great? doesn't love make you whole and all? FRIENDSHIP no man is an island, yes. but theres no need for there to be so many shipping/trading lines is there? don't you think just one reliable friend is enough? finding one isn't easy. and keeping that one isn't any easier. then, does the gender of the friend matter? if both are of different sexes, would emotions be involved? if they were the same, MOST LIKELY emotions won't. and what if you actually tell yourself, i don't have any feelings for him. but deep down its just a lie. you do FEEL something. no matter how small the something, its still an emotion. "love cannot be forced, it also cannot hide. " hiding it would just make things worse. its like meat. if you throw it away, it won't rot in/around you. if you keep it, things get really smelly. so hiding emotions under the excuse of friendship never works. also, how do you know if one is truly your friend. everyone makes mistakes. so if he screws up once, do you forgive him and move on. or do you BEEP him and not be his friend anymore? friendsip is a touchy issue which needs so much nurturing. do you trust friends? do you take what your friend tells you to be the truth or do you question it? you want to believe the truth, but you cannot accept it. does the frienship end there? or do you pretend that the truth to him is the truth to you? fake. i guess many people actually come here to read all this shit. so... HELLO!!!!!! =) thanks for coming by. hahahahahaha. nights. _ _ _ _ _. i think figuring out the spaces would be a difficult thing to do. i say what i live by, and i live by what i say. Tuesday, November 22, 2005
friend or foe? i don't know i want to know why friends can't be more honest and open. why are you lying?! if you like her then just tell us. don't keep telling us *oh. no lah i don't like her. shes just my really good friend* you know what. BALLS to you. thats no fuck thing called a very good/close female friend, especially if you harbour feelings for her that you're trying to surpress. my analogy of you changing infront of a guy is good enough to prove my fucking point. can you do that infront of her?! what pisses me off is not the fact that we like the same girl. but its the fact that you can't be man enough to tell us. why are you scared? show your cards and see what happens. why is it that you want to play your game like that? do you know you are really going to FUCK it all up. what you're doing is equivilant to lying, to her, to me and to every single piece of shit who gives a damn fuck about your life. you want her fucking attention. god. please. why crave it if you just want to be her *close/good friend* all your actions DO NOT telly with your words and "feelings". you know what. you're becoming more and more like the 2 people i hate most. and thats fucking sad. i don't know why you're becoming like that. and its not just i who have seen this. there are people around me who also say the same thing. and you know what. you're not just going to hurt yourself. you're going to hurt 2 other people in the long run. okay maybe just one. but thank god one doesn't give a fuck about you anymore. or rather i hope she doesn't. and you know what. i don't do certain things because i like her. i like her because i do certain things that she like too. its common interest you fucking idiot. not because you're going after the girl that you go and start doing such things. and its so fucking irritaing. photography. drawing. design fest. god. if you want to come just say and come along. no need to go from the back and all the shit. i really don't give a fuck about you. and honestly, if you continue like that, you're not going to end up any different from the 2 of them. and thanks for your help. but now. i really wish you hadn't. things would have turned out fine even without it. i'm sorry to say that. but yah. i shouldn't be indebted to you for the rest of my fucking life should i? be a man and do the right thing. and the right thing isn't fucking pulling out and then making seem as if you're this noble fuckhead whos sacrificed the world for his pal. you want to step back. i salute you. but step back like a man and face the world and her the way things should be. don't say A and do B. i was on the verge of just punching the shits out of you that day. your actions are fucking obvious. and god... you're a shit of an actor man. go brush up your skills or just be open and who you really are. stop putting up a front. no one appriciates it. really. and if she knew. you'll really be screwed. another thing don't say you like someone else just because you want to coverup your like for her. its such a wussy thing to do. and fuck. you're giving people the wrong impression. care and concern is good. but draw the lines and know where to stop bitch. so good morning and fuck you. =) i should really stop swearing. its really getting out of hand. yes. i will do my best. hope you're doing fine over there. _ _ _ _ _. Saturday, November 19, 2005
for you. two words for you. FUCK YOU. Thursday, November 17, 2005
guys are wussys i swear a guy just dies or rather crumbles when he falls in love with a girl who he thinks doesn't like him. haha. you do the stupidest things like CAMP IN THE AIRPORT FOR 8 HOURS AND NOT SLEEP. haha. just to see her and say her name, see her smile say bye and then leave. but i guess you've quite a lot of balls lah. i don't think i'll ever stayover night. okay. maybe i would. but i wouldn't dare to. i'll just be so scared that she'll not even say hi or something. so i guess the fear of such will just deter me. hmm. you shouldn't worry/think so much. she'll be fine. and just pray for her safety. now that shes there with YOUR cookies. she'll think of you lah. i bet she still can't get over the fact that you actually went lah. every girl would be super happy to know that a guy would actually bother to see her off so early in the morning. moreover, you stayed over lah. see you tomorrow for lepak session. remember to forget your fags. haha. i'm a wussy too. i'm so scared about tomorrow. oh. i have decided to not swear. nights. TIRED - mentally emotionally physically I AM SHIT TIRED. AND I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ANYMORE. I DREAMT A SWEET DREAM THE NIGHT BEFORE. BUT DREAMS ARE MEANT TO BE KEPT DREAMS. SO. NO POINT THINKING. NIGHTS. I'M GOING TO SLEEP FOR THE NEXT MILLION HOURS! Tuesday, November 15, 2005
a tale of hearts shit. i just read a letter to me. and it struck me hard. VERY HARD. i need to think about everything AGAIN. BASICALLY the crux of it was *What about real love? One way to help to think to get the idea of what is true love would be to ask , what if one day, the feeling for this person is gone? Will you still love this person enough to continue to care for her? If you have no more feelings for her, will you still care enough to go to the extra mile to do things for her and most importantly, will you commit to her fully? Will your brain be powerful enough to continue to love her? If its yes to all these questions, its love.* okay. read it?! now tell me. its so difficult to say yes to any of them let alone all! so how? i agree with it. but. i just don't know, doesn't it mean i'm infatuated with the girls i thought i once loved. if the feeling were to be dead and gone. then you don't love. you just care. its the feeling that makes it the act of loving right? i don't know. i'm a bit confused. but all i know is that i've got to think properly. 'loving' and 'caring' for two people is NOT a solution. neither is it a thing that can happen. you choose one. or you don't choose at all. and i'm tempted to choose nothing. but. i think of you. and i see that the future can be possible. but now. nothing can be. you're not ready. and i'm not ready. you don't even like me. so talk what? meng kong! so. you are definately not someone that i can like now. simple as that. and we're definately better of as friends. friends who talk regularly, and care for one another. but not liking at all. yes. and i shall and will stick to this decision. now... YOU. wah. headache balls! i don't know how to read you. or understand you. but then again. i'm ALWAYS over analyzing things. and it causes things to become wonky. but as i told timothy *the mark of a successful human being is to not let his mind be read by anyone around him* so i guess you're SUPER successful lah. hahahahaha. and theres no point in JFI-ing things. like you said. they'll catch up sooner or later. so. JFI is kind of out now. i don't know if i really love you. but i'm sure i like you. you're tired - mentally, physically, emotionally. you need to rest. and please do. i really want to keep to my word of not liking you. and i'm doing my best, not trying. i just want to be friends. and i don't know if you're referring to me on your blog or what. coding. bloody hell. i need a de-crypter lah. all i know is that if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. and now i'm part of the problem. i'm trying to run away (note: T R Y I N G. thats why its F A I L I N G). and thus be nothing. but that isn't quite possible. so. i think i'll have to play by ear frist. see how things go. learn not to expect while giving care and comfort. i guess its fine and i'm fine with it. let me be the one to cut the strings yet give the comfort. okay. but you don't quite need the comfort i guess... you're strong enough. whatever. okay i'll think about things later. oh. another thing. i know you like him. so why am i even thinking that i should like you. JACK. AH. BANG BALLS LAH! i can't finish it yet. no ending. or rather theres no proper ending yet. yah. nights. Monday, November 14, 2005
asdf its great to talk to someone who likes the same stuff. and probably the same person. its so funny. HAHAHA. okay. i guess i should say. used to like the same person. same ideas same thoughts same everything. wah. how funny. thanks for talking to me. and i guess your *** will work. so cute. i'll say yes if i were her. as in seriously. not to boost your ego. haha. SRC. adoration to you. Friday, November 11, 2005
clear your memory and let me be the only one there/let me be the one to cut the strings yet give the comfort fickle. maybe. i don't know. but yes. no. maybe. shit. i have no clue. why is it we keep falling for our past loves? why can't we ever forget them? not the wonderful memories. but rather the act of loving and liking? if we stopped liking them once, why do we start again? do we not know that we'll just end up hurt again? thats why i think, you should just like ONE person for a LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG period of time. things will be so much simpler. but honestly, it isn't going to happen. mans just fickle and impatient. you want to know why i stopped liking you? i stopped cause you're wife material to me. you're not perfect in my eyes. but thats whats so nice. perfection is flawed. SOO terribly flawed. i didn't want to lose you. the period of time we stopped talking was when i became kind of "depressed" i lost the motivation then i guess? and basically, it just pained me to see how you liked so many guys. and how they kept breaking your heart. and all the shit. i really care for you. i won't use love. cause love isn't correct. its always wrong. i thought you would be the last. but maybe not. i thought wrong. i found perfection. and now. perfection is being questioned. maybe its just the not perfect that makes it so perfect. hahahaha. and i stopped liking you cause it wasn't going to make things any easier for us. neither was it going to help things become less weird. i shouldn't have said anything right? and i guess i lied when i said i never liked more than one at one time. with R, i kept thinking of you. i don't know why. it became scary. like why you and not her. or sometimes both. i felt so terrible. and i think i'll feel it again. and its good yet bad. and complicated. what if everything turns out like shit again? what if i screw up again? what if... so many what ifs. you are beautiful. you are smart. you are cute. you are just you. and thats so fine. but because you're just you, i don't want to risk anything. and i don't want to lose you as a friend. cause you mean so much more to me than just the act of me liking you. i don't think you should read this cause it'll just freak the shit out of you and you'll just become so paranoid. we'll stop talking and things will screw up like before. and i don't want that to happen. i missed you so much when we didn't talk. i missed the fact that you would fall asleep then wake up and say i'm awake. i miss you hanging up suddenly. i miss the way you would just talk so much rubbish and i'll just not listen or at least i'll just pretend to. ha. i miss just so much of everything. and maybe i feel the way you feel about JT. jealous when i see you with others yet not liking you. what is it? love? no. i don't know. and another thing is. WHAT IS LOVE? it varies from person to person. for me its just being happy and comfortable. not having to put up a front and yet be so happy with you. i guess i can say there are 2 people who make me feel this way. you and her. but. it might not be love. its just an interpretation of love. of love to me. love to you might be sweet letters to each other. or love to her maybe just getting to her and her getting to him. but what then is love? and how does love work? does it mean a guy who likes sweet letters would fall in love with you and you with him? or does it mean a guy who gets to her would fall in love with her and her with him? how does love work? or does it not work at all? maybe thats why they say love is blind. theres no particular way in which it works. it just comes. and when it comes it comes if it doesn't then it doesn't. don't try. don't bother. don't care. if it is it is. if not JFI. you know. i wrote you a poem. but i lost it somehow. and i guess its a good thing. i want things to start anew. with me not liking you. or at least not letting liking affect anything. i just want to be there for you. i want to hug you. i want you to be happy. you always think that the fault lies with you. but in actual fact, it doesn't. and i want to hold you in my arms and tell you that. but its not that easy. please. don't stay away because you've read this. i don't want you to leave my life again. just stay. and be happy. i'll be there forever. as a friend or more. you decide. =) now to the idea of perfection. i guess i should keep my word and stick to the statement because i like you i won't like you. i'm becoming a burden. and i don't want to be. i guess being friends is best. but you know what. you're like exactly the same as her. or rather thats how i feel about the both of you. and thats why i should just go and die. its not fair to say such things and feel in such a way. its like not here not there. so fickle. but yah. i'll just say it anyway. you mean a lot to me too. you're perfection. but i realize that perfection is flawed. not you. but the concept of it. you're great. you make me think and grow. you make me re-evaluate life. my life. and its a good thing. but i don't know whats happening now. i love the both of you. and i can safely say that you both mean a lot to me. but i guess meaning a lot is where it should be kept. not more not less. no love no distance-ing. just like that. if this moment and emotion could last for the next 5 years i'll be the happiest man alive. not loving yet loving. not being loved yet being loved. i really enjoy your company you make me feel complete. in a sense that no one has been able to. you make me feel me. and i like it. you give me a chance to see things in a new and better light. you let me grow. but yah. so what right? i never know what you're thinking and its scary. the way you blog, its so vague. you can try and de-code it. and you'll get it. but it'll be so brain draining. and its not just me that feels like that. i see that he'll soon like you. there have been so many instances when he just shows his care. you can say that he cares for you as a friend. but did you know that he once liked you? and that his care is more than that of a friend? he says he likes her. but i really don't know. when things are clarified, he'll be hurt. and in time to come you'll be hurt too. there are things i see. and i see clearly. i don't let love blind me. and i read people well. i really do. i know things and i feel things. trust me. i just want to be there to be the one who can be your shelter from all your pain and sufferings with no conditions. no committments. nothing. no clauses. no penalties if you breach the contract. simply nothing. just me and my comfort. not love. just comfort. what i'm feeling about the 2 of you cannot be described. and cannot be explained. i'm really sorry. really really really sorry. just know that no matter what i'll be there. and i'll love none. a promise that i'll not try and keep but do my best to. see you both later. adoration. Thursday, November 10, 2005
confused miserable. and i don't know why. i read something again. and its like this puzzle. 2 pieces and they both fit perfectly. so you get a headache thinking which is the right one. shit. and i don't practice what i preach. i'm so sorry. i want to be the victim. i want to love YOU with my heart and soul. i want you to be happy. i want mummy daddy sister brother in law hannah timothy zing joshua iggy jean suejean niva and not forgetting YOU to be happy. the list can go on and on. but its going to be tiring. and troublesome. to love and care for you all. maybe not troublesome. but its definately going to complicated. so running away is so much easier. to just not care. not think. and not love. but man lives for love. love on any level. i really want to say i love you. it hangs on my lips ever so often. just waiting for the right moment and some courage to surface to carry me through. and its going to be stupid and not needed. but the fact is that i love. and you should know. good night. loves and if i can't be with you i would rather have a different face and if i can't be near you i would rather be adrift in space and if the gods desert us i would burn this chapel into flames and if someone tries to hurt you i would put myself in your place -neil finn Wednesday, November 09, 2005
the selfish man life is about you being selfish. its all about me and nothing but me, myself and i. theres no such thing as next of kin. neither is there such a term as your loved one. all you can ever have is someone you care about. but even in caring, you hurt yourself. and so. if you don't ever want to be hurt or feel the feeling of being hurt, never care for and never love. love causes you to become senseless and blind. you don't know what you're doing and you do it because you care. you hurt yourself because you care about her. honestly, its pure bullshit. you hurt yourself for the one you love. why not just invest this love interest/care/concern/whatever other "good" emotions on yourself? won't you be so much happier? why does man always seek a partner? does this partner he seeks contain the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle (the parallel to your whole life) or is this partber the missing piece? if its the first case, its easy, man need not have a partner. cause you can just learn to be or rather cultivate this "magical thing" your would/should-be partner has. but if its the second senario, things get a lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot lot more ccomplicated (and sadly its always the latter that happens. fuck). you go all out to win/attain/steal/whatever other methods you can think of to lay your paws on her. and in the process, you don't see things around you. you become manipulative. you become dishonest and you become a bastard. thats when you try too hard for anything. even if its not a girl. bu ze shou duan kind of sums it all up. the methods don't have to justify the end in your eyes. but in hers and others around you, you screw up big time. you become a heavy colour light friend person. you neglect people around you. you turn people down. you work your schedule around hers. you do really stupid things like keep checking if shes online. you keep looking at your phone to see if you've got a message or miss call from her. you go to friendster and look at her profile, and when you see someone else add a testimonial for her you become jealous and possive. you keep reading her blog. you keep wanting to see her. you look at her from a distance and when she looks over you quickly turn away (its so childish right?). you keep thinking about her and whats best for her. you forget that what you think is best for her might not actually be whats best for her. you ask her to not worry, but that in itself causes her to worry even more. you keep telling her you care for and love her, but it comes to a point in which to her it doesn't really matter. you pray for her. you want to spend your whole day with her (be realistic. your whole life? not a chance. no girl is meant for your whole life. love always changes. and thats what excites us). you just want her to fall ever so snugly into your arms. you just want to be that shoulder she'll need to run to in times of pain and hurt. you want to be her source of comfort and refuge. you want so much and so little you get. if you never had all the expectations above, the little that she gives would actually make you a happy happy happy man. but because you want so much from her, the little that she gives is NEVER enough. admit it. you're just fucking fucking fucking GREEDY. why can't you just be happy with what you had? why did you have to ask for more? pepsi = ask for more. coke = enjoy (or something like that) now you know why coke is SOOOOO much more popular right? pepsi just chose the wrong slogan. more = none. and thats how life really is. expect and expect your heart to be broken time and time again. so maybe thats why JFI is so good. you just not think about things that if you think about too much will eventually screw up. you learn to accept things as they come. even if its the biggest pile of shit. back to why you must be selfish. as seen from the movie THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT (do not. i repeat do NOT watch it. its really going to fuck your brain to hell and below. screwy film) when you keep trying to make life perfect for everyone around you (of which is the "right" thing to do in society), you always end up the only victim. victim of what i don't know. but a victim. you suffer alone. and it sucks. rather, why don't you be the happy one and not think so much about everyone. let someone else suffer. and not let it be you. its life. it'll teach that person something. 1) how to really really really hate your guts 2) how to deal with pain and suffering (he'll become stronger) 3) how to just not feel so much in the future 4) how to solve the problems that you've just thrown into his face. 5) how to etc ec. let your imagination run wild but point is, why suffer when life is supposed to be joyous and happy? remember the hedonistic approach to everything? it might just make things a lot easier. you happy and maybe someone else not. so what if hes sad or miserable？hes going to learn something. and look at it this way, hes definately going to remember you for the time you bastarded him. and put it this way, no one is really good. no one is purely good. yov always have the devil in you. whether you let it take full control of you is another matter (but preferbly, don't). at times its just that simple step you've got to take to hurt that person. hurt -> hurting -> hurt-ed -> hate -> hating -> hated... it'll continue i guess. but yah. why bother so much? its just going to be this cycle when he eventually feels that hating you is hurting him just too much and then it'll go on and on and on. till kingdom come. amen. and basically, this idiot whom you've just hurt would be a lot smarter (i hope) to look for happiness in a new thing/person. he won't stay on and continue hurting for the rest of his life. its stupid/immature/retarded/etc to do so. its better to have loved and lost to have never loved before. and besides, the relationship between people no matter of what status it peaked at will/would have taught him something. every relationship has some little memory/emotion/momento for either pary to keep. be it good or bad, its a memory that you should cherish. cause when you lose your memory, things like that would be so distant from you. and maybe you might want to keep a diary. but... if you had really lost your memory, i guess its fate. and that theres no point in you trying to jolt your old memories and make them come back to you. whats lost is meant to be lost. whats found is meant to be found. go against nature and you suffer. so... don't be stupid. if you see a wall, don't wear a helmet and run into in time and time again, hoping to bring it down. jump over it/dig under it/blow it to bits/run around it/grow wings and fly over it/etc whatever it is, don't do things te hard way. whats said and told is meant to aid you in your life (okay. that really depends on who says it and the motive of the person saying it) and hopefully try and keep you from harm. but i guess its okay to get a bua-la-ku on your head once in a while. but don't keep running into the wall, it'll just break your skull. and remember. don't ever run away from this wall. cause when you're ready to return to conqure/outsmart it, it might not even be there for you to be a obstacle. you might lose the chance. so just act when you think its right. timing is really important. when you see the octave open you lunge in and you get the point. you don't wait anymore. when the person is off guard, go for the kill. same for the wall. this opportunity won't always be there for you. i like hurting myself. gives me a high. so good night. loves Tuesday, November 08, 2005
jump the gun. cart before the horse. kanjiong. man is always jumping the gun, placing the cart before the horse and being kanjiong. we can solve the most difficult physics/chem/maths/etc problems. but can we solve the simplest yet most complex question of all? WHAT IS LIFE and WHAT DOES LIFE MEAN TO YOU? can you answer that? if you can, good for you. if you can't i guess its time for you to start thinking. what man wants from life and sees in life is just HAPPINESS (in my opinion or rather thats my philosophy). the need for happiness and satisfaction is what drives him to keep working and progressing. but when happiness cannot be attained (regardless of physical/emotional/spiritual) is it alright for him to find an alternative? would man then be considered flickle? and if so, should he really be blamed even if he had actually tried his best but still in the end failed? i really don't know whats happening in my life now. i'm not driven by anything. and i guess if i base it on my theory of the hedonistic philosophy towards life, that simply means that i don't have any happiness to pursuit or rather i have already failed in the pursuit of it. so. the question now is. do i end this pursuit and engage in another battle elsewhere? i don't want to. i want to win this battle. i don't want to run away like i used to. but to stay on and fight would mean that i would lose more. lose more of what? myself. my heart. and my sanity. it has come to the point in which i think in death i might actually find more peace and joy. but i guess death would actually just mean eternal escape from troubles. but escape is good. especially if you don't think you can handle the shit thats coming your way. COWARD. or maybe the other alternative is just to pretend that nothing is happening. or maybe just pretend that somethings are not happening. JFI. a good philosophy to life. something like Hakuna Matata. but i guess its just a lot more radical. i may have to adopt it. but at the expense of my heart and sanity. but it'll be good for us. it'll be actions with no consequences. but in that, is the biggest consequence present. the consequence of not feeling after things have happened. the consequence of things not being the way the really should be. i guess things always become so complicated because of man's expectaions and wants. if we didn't expect anything from one another things would be so much simpler. things would just be things. with no implications that could hurt either party. but sadly its just life. consequences make things kind of interesting don't you think but at the same time they just make everything so complicated. COMPLEXITY. wonder. awe. trouble. loves. Monday, November 07, 2005
fuck love. fuck liking. and fuck life. wah. many fucks. haha. i don't know why. but i just think that girls can really be trouble. be it a girl that you like. or your girlfriend. or your mother. and i guess thats how girls feel about us guys too. haha. opposites. really opposites. i just don't understand how a girl's mind works. and i guess you all don't exactly know how a guy's mind works too. maybe its time we all sat down and spoke. not about feelings, but rather just about what we think of and how we actually think. we may be similar. but yah. similar in differences. or different in similarities. kind of long to explain so go think it through. do similarites bring people together? or do the differences? but we always say opposities attract. so why don't we just find someone whos just so different? stupid. SIMPLY STUPID. i don't know what i'm feeling now. and i don't like it. but all i know is that i really care for and love you. oh yah. guys do nag right? so why are girls always sterotyped as the "naggy" ones? i guess you nag when you are concerned about someone. and its okay? haiya. don't know. don't care. and don't give a fuck. JFI loves. Sunday, November 06, 2005
i'm not the only one am i? fuck. i just read something. and i guess i feel and act in exactly the same way. wah. i think guys are bloody stupid. the things they actually do. don't know if i should laugh or cry. don't really know if what i read is really the way i should interpret it. but i guess i'm not wrong. lost souls. really lost souls. love. fucking bullshit. loves to all out there. Wednesday, November 02, 2005
dilemma QUESTIONS IN MY MIND AGAIN. so much i need to say to you. so much i need to ask you. but opening my mouth... haiyo. scary lah. i just don't know how to say things anymore. i'm so afraid that i'll lose all that i have of you. but if i don't say anything. i'm going to lose myself. and maybe eventually you. i nag cause i care and love you. but i don't want to love you. and i don't dare to. why ah. this is so crappy. things are fine when we're spending time together. but when we're not. i keep asking myself questions. qustions that hurt myself. and it may just be paranoia. but paranoia is a valid emtion/way of thinking right? never mind. i'll think about it later. going to draw i think. if not i'll sleep. nights to all. loves. |
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