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BANG BALLS
FREEDOM OF SPEECH NOTHING SHOULD BE IMPOSED
IDEAS NOT LEECHED ONLY CREATIVELY COMPOSED |
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Jasmine
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Friday, November 11, 2005
clear your memory and let me be the only one there/let me be the one to cut the strings yet give the comfort fickle. maybe. i don't know. but yes. no. maybe. shit. i have no clue. why is it we keep falling for our past loves? why can't we ever forget them? not the wonderful memories. but rather the act of loving and liking? if we stopped liking them once, why do we start again? do we not know that we'll just end up hurt again? thats why i think, you should just like ONE person for a LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG period of time. things will be so much simpler. but honestly, it isn't going to happen. mans just fickle and impatient. you want to know why i stopped liking you? i stopped cause you're wife material to me. you're not perfect in my eyes. but thats whats so nice. perfection is flawed. SOO terribly flawed. i didn't want to lose you. the period of time we stopped talking was when i became kind of "depressed" i lost the motivation then i guess? and basically, it just pained me to see how you liked so many guys. and how they kept breaking your heart. and all the shit. i really care for you. i won't use love. cause love isn't correct. its always wrong. i thought you would be the last. but maybe not. i thought wrong. i found perfection. and now. perfection is being questioned. maybe its just the not perfect that makes it so perfect. hahahaha. and i stopped liking you cause it wasn't going to make things any easier for us. neither was it going to help things become less weird. i shouldn't have said anything right? and i guess i lied when i said i never liked more than one at one time. with R, i kept thinking of you. i don't know why. it became scary. like why you and not her. or sometimes both. i felt so terrible. and i think i'll feel it again. and its good yet bad. and complicated. what if everything turns out like shit again? what if i screw up again? what if... so many what ifs. you are beautiful. you are smart. you are cute. you are just you. and thats so fine. but because you're just you, i don't want to risk anything. and i don't want to lose you as a friend. cause you mean so much more to me than just the act of me liking you. i don't think you should read this cause it'll just freak the shit out of you and you'll just become so paranoid. we'll stop talking and things will screw up like before. and i don't want that to happen. i missed you so much when we didn't talk. i missed the fact that you would fall asleep then wake up and say i'm awake. i miss you hanging up suddenly. i miss the way you would just talk so much rubbish and i'll just not listen or at least i'll just pretend to. ha. i miss just so much of everything. and maybe i feel the way you feel about JT. jealous when i see you with others yet not liking you. what is it? love? no. i don't know. and another thing is. WHAT IS LOVE? it varies from person to person. for me its just being happy and comfortable. not having to put up a front and yet be so happy with you. i guess i can say there are 2 people who make me feel this way. you and her. but. it might not be love. its just an interpretation of love. of love to me. love to you might be sweet letters to each other. or love to her maybe just getting to her and her getting to him. but what then is love? and how does love work? does it mean a guy who likes sweet letters would fall in love with you and you with him? or does it mean a guy who gets to her would fall in love with her and her with him? how does love work? or does it not work at all? maybe thats why they say love is blind. theres no particular way in which it works. it just comes. and when it comes it comes if it doesn't then it doesn't. don't try. don't bother. don't care. if it is it is. if not JFI. you know. i wrote you a poem. but i lost it somehow. and i guess its a good thing. i want things to start anew. with me not liking you. or at least not letting liking affect anything. i just want to be there for you. i want to hug you. i want you to be happy. you always think that the fault lies with you. but in actual fact, it doesn't. and i want to hold you in my arms and tell you that. but its not that easy. please. don't stay away because you've read this. i don't want you to leave my life again. just stay. and be happy. i'll be there forever. as a friend or more. you decide. =) now to the idea of perfection. i guess i should keep my word and stick to the statement because i like you i won't like you. i'm becoming a burden. and i don't want to be. i guess being friends is best. but you know what. you're like exactly the same as her. or rather thats how i feel about the both of you. and thats why i should just go and die. its not fair to say such things and feel in such a way. its like not here not there. so fickle. but yah. i'll just say it anyway. you mean a lot to me too. you're perfection. but i realize that perfection is flawed. not you. but the concept of it. you're great. you make me think and grow. you make me re-evaluate life. my life. and its a good thing. but i don't know whats happening now. i love the both of you. and i can safely say that you both mean a lot to me. but i guess meaning a lot is where it should be kept. not more not less. no love no distance-ing. just like that. if this moment and emotion could last for the next 5 years i'll be the happiest man alive. not loving yet loving. not being loved yet being loved. i really enjoy your company you make me feel complete. in a sense that no one has been able to. you make me feel me. and i like it. you give me a chance to see things in a new and better light. you let me grow. but yah. so what right? i never know what you're thinking and its scary. the way you blog, its so vague. you can try and de-code it. and you'll get it. but it'll be so brain draining. and its not just me that feels like that. i see that he'll soon like you. there have been so many instances when he just shows his care. you can say that he cares for you as a friend. but did you know that he once liked you? and that his care is more than that of a friend? he says he likes her. but i really don't know. when things are clarified, he'll be hurt. and in time to come you'll be hurt too. there are things i see. and i see clearly. i don't let love blind me. and i read people well. i really do. i know things and i feel things. trust me. i just want to be there to be the one who can be your shelter from all your pain and sufferings with no conditions. no committments. nothing. no clauses. no penalties if you breach the contract. simply nothing. just me and my comfort. not love. just comfort. what i'm feeling about the 2 of you cannot be described. and cannot be explained. i'm really sorry. really really really sorry. just know that no matter what i'll be there. and i'll love none. a promise that i'll not try and keep but do my best to. see you both later. adoration. |
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